Manifest Success or Winning At being Super Maladaptive (The really fun stuff, that’s unhealthy)

Oh this Fucking day. This is one of the days I harbor so much hate and rage, at least right in this moment. Monday. The day of the week that is just a bitch. But this is not a normal Monday. This is the Monday before the school year starts. This should be an exciting week for our family but it’s not, at least not for me.

However, I’m telling myself it “should” be which only increases my “WTF” is wrong with me value. I’m asking myself “why it should be” and my response: healthy kids, it’s expected, other people are worse off, people like me (some people don’t, but that’s another discussion), good job, and so on and so on.

I imagine I’m not alone in the scope of having such thoughts and emotions which swings like a pendulum back-and-forth minute to minute sometimes maybe hour to hour, most of the time for me it’s getting to where it’s every few days versus every other day…but today.

Today I have someone messaging me telling me this-“Lol. I’m serious, I’m willing to bet you’re good at anything you do. Work, Play, Drinking whiskey, giving pleasure, you’re the type of person that always gives their all.” I have someone else (from long ago) asking me to dinner and such. It’s nice, but feels crazy maladaptive…

Ugh. Manifesting success is so much harder and boring. Did I mention it was really boring. I know what I’m supposed to do, and I’ll probably do some of it…Because I know what gets me to the goal. But today…I struggle seeing the goal so I turned to music. Inspiration hit me right in the face. The song- “The Devils Own,” the lyrics sucked the air out of my lungs so hard I didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing until I was dizzy.

I’d heard this song before. Many times, in fact. However, when I had just been informed that I “needed to relax” by “drinking” a guy…whatever that means (kidding I knew what it meant). I was not manifesting success, I was thrown back into last weeks training and again, I was triggered and felt broken and only good for one thing.

The lyrics…

“Where did I go wrong? Who was I supposed to be?
No matter what I’ve done, you’ve always criticized me
Where did I go wrong? Who was I supposed to be?
When it’s said and done, will you remember
It’s because of you I’m broken
It’s because of you I’m dead inside
I never asked to be here
It’s because of you I’m godforsaken
I never wanted this
It’s because of you I’m dead inside”

There are a few more words that note a fairytale but that’s not the part I can relate to.

Now I know I “shouldn’t” (it would be nice) read into what some idiot uses as a pickup line (which seriously may have worked in a different situation). Maybe he’s nice, maybe I’ll go find out, who knows. But I did read into it. Then when I shared what was said…meh. Just me. Just my perspective. Just my suffering, feeling a little dead inside.

But alas, my good senses kicked in. I am not alone and the “meh” wasn’t a “meh” until I gave it power to be a “meh”. How did I do this you ask? Well, I looked for evidence that no one cared which led (And usually always does) to feeling worse, which then reinforced my suffering and beliefs that I’m broken. But I’m not. At least I’m telling myself I don’t feel it right in this moment…give me a minute. But this is usually a really helpful tool for me.

The moral of this for me, is I have the power to manifest success (big or small) or I can win at being super maladaptive. The latter is more fun, for sure, at least in the moment, but I’m looking forward to the good stuff that comes with success. (At least right now, give me a minute, jk).